BEGIN AGAIN...

     Well physical therapy was good for me.  After having spent the greater part of a month and a half in the hospital, all of my days started blurring together.  I would sleep whenever I could.  Between just being uncomfortable, to being cold, and being stuck with needles at random times throughout the day and night, I didn't have a "normal" schedule.  I am probably going through some changes due to this illness that will last me for the rest of my life.  How scary is that?  But first, I have to get stronger and walk normally again.
     I had a lot of time to think and one of the things that popped in my head was how ma petite ami treated me right before I was hospitalized and how nasty and mean she got with me.  I didn't do anything negative to her.  I wasn't feeling good and she lashed out at me.  Oh well...  She will wind up regretting her mistakes after she realizes what she lost.  And for what???  Someone knocked on my door...
    
     "Come in," I said loudly.
     "Hello Ricky.  How are you feeling?" the doctor asked.  He was like a Middle Eastern dude or at least he had that kind of look.  He was very short in stature.  I hadn't seen him before.
     "I'm okay; kinda tired though.  I didn't get much sleep," I answered.
     "I'm sorry to hear that.  So how's your breathing?" he asked while checking my vitals.
     "I still have shortness of breath.  Oh yeah, and I still feel that numbness in my legs and feet.  It's more intense in my feet," I explained.
     "Sorry to hear that as well.  The numbness should die down in time.  As far as the shortness of breath, it could last for a year or more.  You had a lot of scarring in your lungs," he replied.
     "That's not good cause I'm usually pretty active," I said.
     "I looked at your blood work and it shows that you need more iron.  I'm prescribing you medication to help you with that and we will monitor your levels daily," he said.
     That knocked the wind out of my sails a little.
     "Okay.  Do you know when my next therapy session is?" I asked.
     "I will check for you right now and have your nurse give you the date," he said.
     "Thank you," I said.
     "No problem.  It's the least I can do just try to get as much rest as you can; I know it's hard in here.  And keep doing what you've been doing.  Have a good day!" he said as he was opening the door.
 
     I have a mountain to climb all by myself and, even after I get back on my feet, I have more everyday challenges.  But, I am strong and independent...

Almost There...

     My therapy sessions became as sporadic as my chances of getting a hot meal.  When I first started, it was a very pleasant and well organized woman that showed up.  Then, after the first couple of times, it was random therapists with different styles and methods.  They would show up when I least expected them.  Most of the time, I would have been waiting for them and already decided they weren’t going to show up.  It’s at that point that I would allow myself to drift off and then….. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!   

“Hello, I am here for your therapy session today!” the person at the door explained.  With my eyes barely open, I sat up and prepared myself for a workout.  “Did I catch you at a bad time?” she asked. 

“Nope” I said as I tried to shake off that groggy, sleepy feeling.  “What are we gonna do today?” I asked. 

She paused for a minute as though she was surveying the room.  “Hmmm… how are your legs feeling today?” she asked.

 I started moving my legs around to check and see.  “My legs feel okay other than that little numbness kind of feeling that I had for some time now” I told her.   The numbness didn’t hurt at all but it was quite uncomfortable.  The doctor had told me that it was coming from having too much zinc in my bloodstream.  I also read that it could be a side effect of one of the drugs that I was taking.

“Alright, I want you to try and stand up by using the walker as your support.  When you get on your feet, I want you to see how far you can walk without relying on the walker.  I will be beside you if you need support” she informed me.

I rose to my feet and she pulled the walker from in front of me.  I slowly started walking towards the other end of the room.  She was walking close by just in case.  It felt good to start getting some of my independence back.  The bacteria really attacked me and made me extremely week.  During all of the previous therapy sessions, I could feel myself getting stronger and stronger.  I knew that I wouldn’t be stable until I gained some weight back and strengthen my muscles.

“This feels good” I said.  I walked more confidently and for longer periods than before.  The progression was definitely a great sign.  I began to have less doubt about whether I would be able to regain my abilities.  The new question that I asked myself was when.

By the time that we were through, I had a really good therapy session.  I was so relieved because now I wouldn’t be a total burden on my mom when I am eventually released.  I have actually come a long way since being admitted.  I was on oxygen but no more.  I had two IV’s pumping me full of fluids but now there’s only one.  I could barely move my legs and now I’m walking with little assistance.  I also used to take about 30 pills everyday and now it’s down to about 15.  I am supposed to see the doctor tomorrow and find out what’s standing in the way of my release now…

Just A Thought....

     So why would someone want to destroy your faith and hope that there is actually a better tomorrow?  Why would someone want to shatter any goals or dreams to which you might aspire?  Nothing is impossible to achieve if you want it!  There are ways out of bad situations and there are definitely better ways of life.  Don't get caught in a rut where you settle for less than you want and need due to complacency or giving up.  There is always a better tomorrow.  Someone that doesn't want you to improve is scared that when you do, you will realize you are so much better and move on.

VERBAL ATTACKS....

     I would like to speak on a subject that is hardly ever talked about but prevalent in a lot of households and workplaces...VERBAL ATTACKS!  A verbal attack is when you verbally highlight every insecurity and fault that a person has, in order to hurt them, due to the fact of being hurt by them.  Although it is nothing to be proud of, I am man enough to admit that I verbally attacked one of the best people to come into my life, a dear close friend, and a person that I still need.  It was nothing that was planned and definitely nothing that was enjoyed.  There is absolutely no excuse for such behavior!  However, there are a few reasons that I won't get into here.  Just recently, I have exhibited some very uncharacteristic behavior.  I am more patient, understanding, and loyal than most; however, what I have been dealing with privately, would test the psyche of even the Dalai Lama himself.  Because of these devilish verbal attacks, I let my mouth jeopardize/ruin something extremely beautiful.  It is very unfortunate that things transpired the way they did.  Years of built up frustration, witnessing illogical choices and the complete unwillingness to be in a better, healthier situation, completely broke me down.  Whether we realize it or not, we can wind up in a horrible situation and stay for 10 plus years.  When I say horrible, I don't mean appearance wise but the underlinings would definitely rival those of a Hollywood horror.  I am not gonna sugar coat anything here.  If we are in a situation where we are not completely happy as we should be and, we know that within this situation we will NEVER be happy or none of our dreams will come true, then that is horrible state to put upon our precious mind.  Now throw in numerous infidelities. All beautiful words like DREAMS and FAITH and HOPE go out of the window.  I had a companion in such a situation.  I supplied all of the support, comfort, feelings, love and friendship to help overcome this obstacle yet it failed to register.  I am a logical person, and maybe that's a fault but I cannot understand that for the life of me.  I am willing to admit my faults.  I am very loyal!  I am very expressive!  I am very logical!  I am very confident!  I have been called too nice a guy on several occasions.  And I am, without any doubt in my mind and many others, the BEST friend you can possibly have...  Yet I felt helpless, scared, unloved, unappreciated and second rate.  Yes, I said it!  I am a man that still acts, dresses and knows for certain that I am a man but i can admit having different feelings and emotions.  The whole point of this note is to admit my short comings in all of this and not hide from a few bad actions.  I won't ever pretend like I did nothing wrong just as I won't pretend like I don't still want, need, or miss my beautiful companion.  I hope that she finds the courage and the resolve to get out of that situation and somehow she could hear these words and know that I am TRULY sorry.  Should any emergency or uncomfortable situation arise, then I am always here just like a mighty lighthouse!  People please try to refrain from verbal attacks.

INTRODUCTION......

     Early on, I knew that I had all of the ingredients to succeed in life.  I was academically gifted so good grades in school were very easy to come by.  I was athletically talented so I was just as good, most of the time, better than my peers.  I was blessed with good genes (thanks MOM) so I had a look and natural charm about me that excited most women.....

ADVERSITY

We ALL experience adversity in our lives at some time or another.  However, some people do more than others.  Adversity is defined as a state or instance of serious or continued difficulty.  One of the biggest things that make is all unique is how we handle stressful or difficult situations or conditions.  Even though we may have difficulties in life, we must maintain our POSITIVE personal relationships. Not ONLY when we feel good but, maybe more importantly, when we don't.  Why add indifference and uncomfortable situations to the unfortunate things out of our control?  Those POSITIVE relationships can be very fulfilling and help us through those rough times. 
     Don't take things or people for granted!  It's inevitable to loose things or people that are taken for granted.  Whether it's your health or personal relationships, we need to appreciate all of the good that we have.  Once you find something or someone that you want, then you should treat them like you want them.  It's just the beginning.  Even couples that have been together for 50 years still should find ways to express their love and treat one another in a way that reminds them why they fell in love in the first place.  If you really love, cherish, and respect someone, then it should come easy to have a positive and healthy relationship as long as you BOTH want things to grow and flourish. 
     It doesn't make you less of a person or soft or needy or any other adjective with negative implications, to show your feelings, your love, or your desire for them.  It only enhances your relationship! All of that comes with maturity and part of it comes through experience.  Having seen negative relationships, you should know better how to treat positive ones!  Remember maturity doesn't just come with age alone. 
     Just because you now have a comfort level with them, it doesn't mean it's time to forget everything that got you there.  Don't drastically change how you relate to each other unless it is absolutely unavoidable.  For example, if you are in an accident and loose the use of your legs, then you can't go running with them everyday like before.  If you do change, then there are naturally going to be concerns.  Concern is a sign of caring and wanting things to improve.  Why would you think that someone that TRULY loves you is attacking you? You might want to ignore concerns because it seems easier or simply for the fact that it will expose some of your short comings.  That won't help you and it definitely won't help the person with concerns.  ALWAYS solve issues or disputes no matter how big or small. If you feel they are small or insignificant, then they should be really EASY to solve.  Remember you too will have concerns or issues that you will like addressed and solved one day.  As simple as it sounds, you can never go wrong if you treat others the way you want to be treated.
     How do you feel when you know you are wanted and desired?  Well,  that same feeling holds true for your partner.   Now, adversely, how does it feel to go unappreciated and unwanted?  It's important to make time to do the things and address each other the same as you did to get you to the COMFORT ZONE that you now enjoy.  Everything that you both did between each other, created and developed the feelings that you share today.  Again, realizing and acting on all of that knowledge comes with maturity.
     Adversity will always be present in our lives but there's no guarantee that our loved ones will.  We must not be afraid to respect, cherish, and show our love for each other.  Hopefully, we want to hold on to positive relationships and are mature and wise enough to accept and realize how to improve our relationships.  Keep the interest and desire going that started the whole thing and you will be fine.

Grown and Sexy

 

     What is grown and sexy to you? Grown and sexy to me is many things.  By definition, grown means being more mature and wiser than the youngins and sexy means to provoke sexual interest.  The older you get, hopefully the more grounded and in tune you are with your own needs, wants, and desires.  In order to have a successful relationship, you must also be in tune with your partner’s needs, wants, and desires.  Selfish goes out the window when relating to your mate.  The reason that people are selfish is to make sure that they get what they want and are taken care of.  Well, if you are in a grown and sexy relationship, then your partner has your best interests in the forefront so all that is unnecessary.  Grown and sexy is….

1.    Knowing past mistakes that were made and having the determination, no matter how it makes you look, not to make the same mistakes.

2.    Being done with all the games and tail chasing that adds more barriers and destroys the relationship from the inside out.

3.    Being able to be supportive and encouraging to that special person in your life at all times.

4.    Having the foresight to identify and recognize potential problems before they happen and doing what you can to prevent them from happening.

5.    The ability to have a monogamous and committed relationship with that one special person.

6.    Having the ability to excite, stimulate, and thrill your mate mentally and in the bedroom not just today but every day.

     Hopefully, the older we get also means the wiser we get.  In order to be grown and sexy you must first be ready to be happy and want a better social environment.  You must recognize not only the pitfalls but what cause them to occur and be able to prevent them from happening.  If there is something small you can do to prevent something major from happening then do it for the greater good.  Knowing your partners needs, wants, and desires should help you be more likely to provide the support necessary to maintain peace and happiness.  Keep it grown and sexy!

SPECIAL

SPECIAL

     What does special mean and when should you use the word when relating to another person?  Special, by definition, means distinguished or different from what is ordinary or usual.  A lot of people throw that word around because they think it’s cute or it’s a popular thing to say or because they can’t define what they feel.  Someone is special to you when you hold them in the highest regard.  Someone is special to you when, even if you are having a bad day or feeling bad, you can relate to them just the same as you would if you were having a good day or feeling good.  Someone is special when you TRULY love them and are willing to accept all of their love with no complaints.  You should NEVER complain or reject love or affection from someone “special”, if in fact, you actually care about them.  Never make anything negative about affection, love or attention that you receive from them.  I would be arrogant to think my special someone’s time isn’t important.  I am honored and humbled by those in my life that actually take time out to spend with me.  It’s truly a blessing.  Let’s face it we all have busy lives.        

     One of the most important tell-tale signs is how do you treat them when you are feeling bad?  You should want to talk to or be with them every chance that you get; if in fact, they are special.  Please don’t get me wrong… By every chance you get, I don’t mean ALL of your time!  I mean when the stars align and both of you have time to spend.  For me, all I want is to be loved by someone “special” that treats me with the same respect and courtesy that I treat them with; no complaints or excuses.  I want someone that WANTS to spend time with me whether it’s going somewhere or a simple phone call.  Someone that not only says they love me but is willing to show it; again with no complaints or excuses, because they enjoy it.  Now I ask you, how many people do you call “special” and, of those people, how many are actually special to you?

The Fairness Break...

FAIRNESS

Here is a little piece that I like to call “FAIRNESS”.  Hopefully it will bring some guidance and clarity to your week, weekend, and quite possibly, your life.  Situations are hardly ever thought of in this light.

What is fair and are WE perfect?  Well the first answer is not as painfully obvious as the second.  No we are not perfect!  Nobody is perfect.  If we were all perfect, then we essentially would all be the same.  The right amount of affection, the right amount of strength, the right amount of humor, the right amount of emotion and so forth.  What would we have?  A robot society…  Everyone doing and reacting to the same things the exact same way; boring! 

Now what’s fair?  Life isn’t fair…right?  Although there are a few people that know you pretty well, nobody knows you as well as yourself.  So I ask… How many flaws, faults, and irritating habits do YOU have?  When compared side by side, who’s outweighs the others?  Now this is something for you to think about not necessarily discuss in an open forum.  Most people cannot accept or handle constructive criticism.  And How serious are your faults and their faults in comparison?  For example, if one person’s biggest fault is that they snore loudly and the others is the fact that they are untrustworthy, there’s no comparison.  TRUST is one of the foundations of any personal relationship.  If there is no trust, the walls come tumbling down.  In addition, how serious is the complaint? Does it just seem serious today because you are frustrated or is it an unforgivable and absolutely intolerable characteristic? 

On a final note, before you fly off the handle, try to think not only about what the person did and if it is totally intolerable, try to think what you bring to the table that they have to deal with in comparison.  Just because people don’t complain, doesn’t mean that you don’t cause stress or discomfort.  Some people love you for who you are and they absorb all of that negative energy for the better of the relationship. However, that’s not always the case.  YOU should know the type of person that you are dealing with. And absolutely no… WE are NOT perfect!!!

I Have a Face Now!!!

Hello everyone! Not only is my ebook 'Faith and Triumph' able to be reserved in advance, I also tentatively decided on a book cover! You can view my cover right below and tell me what you think.  You have access to me on twitter via https://twitter.com/#!/Rickysnewbook or via my blog here at http://rickysnewbook.blogspot.com/ .  Here is my ebook cover:

Please feel free to give any advice or comments.  Leave your email address in the comments section so I can update you on the status of 'Faith and Triumph' and inform you of any new developments.  There is a scheduled release date of APRIL 27, 2012 so reserve your copy now!  There's an order form located in the right-hand margin of this page.  Thanks for stopping by!  Let me know if you enjoyed yourself.

Chapter 21...Errr I mean 1 ?!?!?

Once In A Lifetime...
I never knew that I would actually go to Paris, France let alone do what I am about to do today.  I had studied French culture and language in high school and had become very fluent.  But, as a wishful teenager, I never imagined this!  Here I stand on top of the Eiffel Tower with several close members of my family and friends waiting for the woman that won my heart.  Before we knew love, we had helped each other through every possible hardship and enjoyed a very fulfilling happiness that has enriched my life.  As everyone was seated and the bride-to-be gracefully glided down the aisle, the ceremony began.  She was wearing a beautifully designed dress that fit her and the occasion perfectly.  I just hope that she is wearing my favorite color panties and matching bra underneath to keep me "up" and ready for an all nighter.  Let's skip ahead to the good stuff...  "I am one of the luckiest men on this earth.  Although we found each other by unconventional means, we managed to form a strong friendship, that very patiently, turned into a lovely relationship.  I wasn't looking for, nor did I expect this to turn into this GREAT romance laced with compassion, trust, and complete admiration.  We have come a long way these past four years and still today, you are the most beautiful woman in the world, the one that I most want to talk to, and my true confidant.  I stand here now before family, friends, and, most importantly, GOD as your biggest crush, your bestest friend, and now your husband.  I love you baby!" I said.  As I stood there with nothing but love in my heart and tears forming in my eyes, I knew why we met that night.  She has turned out to be everything that I have ever needed and the best thing is that those strong feelings slowly crept up.  Before I knew it, I was in love with my best friend.  There was a pause as the whole crowd waited for a response.  Then, all at once, there was a loud BOOM!  The door flung open and there I lay in my bed.  All of that noise woke me up.  "Hello, we are here to help you sir," a paramedic spoke.

Chapter 20

Who Wants It More....?
It was me versus their best in a winner-takes-all brawl to the finish.  When I moved to the right, he shadowed me to the left.  When I threw at his head, he threw at my feet.  The pressure was mounting and I enjoyed every single moment of it.  Then, I got the ball and decided to give it my all with one direct hit.  I threw it at him with all of my might.  At this point, I remember everything as if it was in slow motion.  BOOM! It hit him hard.  He clinched the ball to his chest with both hands.  All he had to do is maintain control and we would lose.  I could only watch so I stared him down.  The ball shifted positions and slid down his side.  Further, further, further until he could no longer grasp it.  The ball landed on the ground and all I heard was one great big roar.  Chants of Ricky, Ricky, Ricky...!  There I was, standing tall, proud, and full of excitement.  My team had crowned me as one of their leaders as we rejoiced in our victory.  I did it!  I did it!  Mom, Chad, and everybody; I did it!  That was one of my happiest and most defining victories in my life.  As a fourth grader that was the biggest battle of my life.  I had no idea what was to come...  I woke up like I did many times before when someone entered my room.  With all that was going on and all that was on my mind, I could never really get any good sleep.  On the rare occasions that I drifted off, I would always get interrupted.  "Good afternoon Ricky!" my physical therapist said.  "Huh?  Baby I won," I murmured.  "Ricky, it's me Carla.  Are you ready for therapy?" she asked.  "Oh, I'm sorry.  I think I was day dreaming or sleep or something.  Let me wake up.  I'm really sorry," I explained.  "No problem.  I know it must be rough for you," Carla said.  I sat up in bed to gather my thoughts and prepare mentally for a work out.  By this point, I could walk without a walker but I still needed to hold on to Carla's arm for support.  She had me do leg raises and leg band strengthening exercises.  "Oh man.  I never realized how weak my leg muscles had gotten," I told her.  There was an elastic band affixed to the rear leg on a chair with the other end attached to my corresponding ankle.  I couldn't even pull my leg all the way forward to tighten the band.  "It's okay.  You have been immobile for a good period of time.  You will get your strength back," she assured me.  I gotta get better because I wanna see my baby and hold her tightly in my arms and tell her how I feel...

Chapter 19

Bunny bunny where art thou...?
All of the day to day stressers have started piling up; from worrying about having a warm meal to eat to being cold enough to shiver under the covers to not knowing if I will walk again to wanting to hold the woman that I love in my arms once and for all.  It has eaten away at me slowly but surely.  I remain as upbeat and as positive as I can.  I wish I could see my baby.  She has been there for me through many difficult situations and, no matter what, we kept it together.  Although I don't care for the turmoil nor the drama, it shows me that THIS is not one dimensional.  This can actually work!  I think she can feel when I really need her or think about her because of past occurrences.  There had been times when she has told me that she had a dream and either I had a similar dream or I called her the next day or something.  It's crazy! Talk about being in tune with someone.  We have never done the deed; however, we have had some really "interesting" video conversations.  Ah hem...  Anyway, I am in the hospital and I don't want to call her and say hey I'm in the hospital.  I'm really really sick and i can't walk.  And, oh yeah, I love you but I gotta go cause a nurse is gonna change my IV out.  That's not how I want it to go down.  Right about then my nurse knocked on the door.  "Hello Ricky! What's up?" she asked.  "Oh nothing much just partying and having a good time," I answered.  "I am here to bring your pills and to give you a shot," she explained.  "When is it gonna stop?  My stomach is sore from therapy and all the needles that y'all stick in me," I said.  "I know but look," she said as she tried to grab some fat on my stomach.  "What?" I asked.  "If you had some meat on you then it wouldn't hurt so bad," she said.  "Hey, I lost quite a bit of weight.  Besides, normally I have a flat stomach because I stay in shape," I responded.  She watched me swallow the 13 pills that I was given and then she gripped a needle, full of blood thinner, in her hand.  She raised it about six inches above my abs and then stuck me with one continuous stroke.  "Ouch!" I yelled.  That never feels good.  "Okay now I will be back after doing my rounds and I will bring you some ice and a sandwich.  Do you need anything else?" my nurse asked.  "Nope and thanks," I said.  When she left the room, my mind wandered and I thought about my bunny.  I had some dirty thoughts and I remembered all of the sexy conversations that we shared.  It really turned me on.  It had been a long time since I had that "feeling" and I thought about doing something about it.  However, there was no privacy.  Should I do it anyway?

Chapter 18

Who's Missing You....?
As I lay here in bed, I am thinking of three things: What got me here? Where am I headed? and Who am I missing?  I don't have an answer for two out of the three right now; however, one I know for sure.  Who am I missing?  Where do I begin?  Unless you have had that euphoric feeling that smacks you in the face and makes you take notice; the one that stimulates your senses all with one harmonious AAHHH moment, then you might find it hard to understand.  I have a very unexpected crush on my best friend and I am just figuring it out.  I hope that I survive all of this so I can tell her and give her a long, passionate kiss that will rival those of Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams in that movie "The Notebook".  It is said that the endorphins produced by kissing are over 200 times more powerful than morphine.  Well...after we embrace, she is gonna be addicted to my lips!  Now back to reality...  There was a knock at the door.  "Hello Ricky! How are you feeling today?" asked doctor Stevens.  I was still day dreaming about her and it was reflected in my response.  "I am feeling great!" I replied.  I can't wait to tell her everything about how I feel and what she means to me.  "Ricky I stopped by today to tell you that the lab has concluded that your right lung has also been infected with TB.  Since you have been on medication, the good news is that it shouldn't spread.  Your body is getting slammed from all directions right now but we can fight this" the doctor told me.  I was so into my sweetie that I forgot about the possibility of never talking to her again.  We had an argument the last time we spoke and she has no idea that I am even in the hospital.  Nobody ever really wins in an argument and, most of the time, what you argue about is never as important as having the other person in your life.  Right now, nothing rings truer....

Chapter 17

Put One Foot In Front Of The Other...
Losing the ability to walk was one of the hardest things that I ever had to swallow in my life.  There were several steps to getting back to where I was before TB took control.  First, I would have to kill all of the bacteria inside my body.  Then, repair all of the damage and get back to a healthy weight.  After that, I need to rebuild and strengthen my muscles.  Lastly, I will have to learn to walk again.  Whew!  That's a tall order but I know I can do it.  Since I have been taking medication for about a month now, the bacteria is well on it's way to being wiped out.  Getting back to my fighting weight and strengthening my muscles will be an ongoing journey.  Now walking on the other hand...  There was a knock at the door and it slowly opened.  "Hello Ricky, my name is Carla and I am gonna be one of your physical therapists.  So can you move your legs at all?" Carla asked.  "Hey Carla, I can't move them off the side of the bed without assistance but I can move them around a little," I said.  "Okay, no problem.  We are gonna come three times a week and see if we can't get you walking again.  I am gonna start you off with some leg exercises today and next time I will see what you can do with a walker," she said.  Damn a walker.  I never thought about that part of therapy.  Am I gonna be handicapped for the rest of my life?  "Okay, let's do it.  I will do whatever it takes to walk normally again," I said.  She adjusted the bed so I was laying flat and she moved all of the covers off of my legs.  She had me do individual leg raises.  My legs would shake uncontrollably because my muscles were  pretty weak. I did as much as I could. We continued with a couple more leg exercises until my muscles gave out.  Oh man, that was a good workout.  I can feel it in my abs and my thighs," I explained.  "That's good. I want you to do these on your own but don't over do it.  That's all we are gonna do today. Do you need anything today?" asked Carla.  "Nope I am good.  Thank you for a good session," I told her.  "You are welcome and don't worry cause this will be a process.  Don't expect too much too soon," she said.  After giving me a few more words of encouragement, she said bye and walked out of the door.  About that time, my nurse returned to give me my evening dose of pills.  "I'm back and i have your meds," the chocolate bandit said.  "Oh goodie.  How are things going out there?" I asked.  "It's pretty busy.  I think your night nurses will only have 10 patients to care for tonight," she added.  "Oh is that all?" I asked sarcastically.  "After you finish your pills, I have your blood thinner too," she said.  My blood thinner comes in the form of a shot until the levels are high enough in my blood for me to take the pill.  It came in a tiny needle; however, the shot had to be given in my stomach.  My body fat percentage was always low plus throw in the fact that I lost weight and ouch.  Right in the abs twice a day.  I felt like a pin cushion.  "Okay I am ready Lisa.  Please be gentle," I pleaded.

Chapter 16

How Many Nurses Does It Take To...

While in ONLY a hospital gown and all sickly, I wasn't feeling my most attractive.  When it came to personal hygiene, I wasn't really on top of my game for a couple different reasons.  One being the fact that I just lacked the motivation to groom.  Another being the fact that I didn't have the energy to stand for very long so having a lot of comfortable mirror time was out of the question. 

As it turned out, there were quite a few nurses working at the hospital who were students at one of the local colleges.  I guess it was sort of like a residency program or something.  Either way, I didn't mind some of the scenery.  Like I said before, if you have to get some personalized health care, then it is definitely more pleasant coming from a woman.  Let's do the nurses shuffle....  "Hello Ricky!  My name is Tammy and I am gonna be one of your day time nurses.  I never worked with you but I heard about you," she said.  I was a little bit confused but okay maybe I heard it wrong.  She was a youthful looking, average sized black woman with a nice smile.  I could tell that I was getting better because I gave her the head-to-toe once over.  Let's just say baby's got back.  "Hello Tammy!" I said.  "Are you currently in any pain?" she asked.  "Nope not at all," I answered.  She proceeded to take my vital signs.  When the machine stopped she had a concerned look on her face.  "Now why is your heart rate so high?" the nurse asked.  "I don't know.  I haven't been moving around much," I responded.  She paused for a moment and had a big smile on her face.  "See you were supposed to say because I am near you," nurse Tammy said.  All I could do is laugh because she was right.  I would have never missed that opening if I was on top of my game.  "Yeah, I must be slippin," I replied.  "Okay well I am gonna go finish my rounds.  Do you need anything else?" Tammy asked.  "Yes I need some ice and some juice please," I told her.  She acknowledged what I said and continued straightening up the room.  "All right mister man I will be back with your stuff.  I wonder what you look like all shaved up?  Do you have your razor here?" she asked.  By this time, I had not shaved nor cut my hair for about a month and a half so it was pretty long.  "No I don't have it," I said.  "Hmm...just a thought.  Bye Ricky!" she said as she walked out the door.  Over the years, I had gotten used to a certain amount of attention so it felt good; almost normal.  I am gonna have fun with this.  I got to remember to ask my mom to bring my clippers up here the next time she comes for a visit.  Suddenly, there was a kncok at the door.  There was a very petit brunette wearing a hospital uniform; however, I could tell she wasn't a nurse.  She had a minimal amount of make up on and a very big smile.  "Hello Ricky Kendall?" she asked.

Chapter 15

Eeny Meeny Miny Mo....

Along with the CAT scan, doctor Stevens wanted another chest x-ray.  I guess enough time had passed to see if the infection had started clearing up.  Before he told me that my right lung had quite a bit of infection.  Okay, let's see if all of these pills have been doing any good.  My room door swung open...  "I can't believe this.  I don't need this crap.  My mom is sick and I need this job," nurse Angela said.  Oh no, here we go; Miss congeniality.  "Good morning Angela! What's wrong?" I asked.  "Why don't they ever take these trays out before they leave?  They need to empty out this trash too," she added.  "I couldn't tell you," I said.  "You got to let them know Ricky," she insisted.  Again I am not on the payroll and, in an effort not to tell her off, I bit my tongue.  She continued running around the room , slowing down only to take my vitals.  And just like that, she was gone.  There was a knock at the door.  Two x-ray technicians were at the door.  Since I was in isolation, my doctor had them bring a machine to my room.  I thought it was pretty cool because I didn't want to be wheeled downstairs.  It took longer for them to fit the machine through the door than it did to take the x-ray.  Now, all I had to do is wait on the doctor.  The CAT scan showed that there was a blood clot in one lung but the ultrasound didn't show any more in my legs.  It's funny how things work out.  Again, had I been discharged,  I would not have known about the blood clot until it was too late.  ALWAYS trust your instincts!  I saw doctor Stevens through the window.  I wonder what the verdict is?  He entered the room.  "Hello Ricky. Are you in any pain?" he asked.  "Nope I don't have any pain; just the numbness in my feet and lower legs," I stated.  "Okay, I had a chance to look at your x-ray.  And... the original infection in your right lung appears to be clearing up; however, your left lung has a few spots now.  Do you think you will be able to cough up some phlegm?" he asked.  "Probably not because I haven't even coughed much this whole time," I told him.  "Scratch that.  I am gonna order another broncoscope so they can go into your left lung and take a tissue sample," he decided.  "Okay so now both lungs are infected?" I asked.  "Well, I wanna take a sample to see exactly what's going on in there," he explained.  At this rate, I am gonna have to spend my birthday and Thanksgiving in a hospital bed.  Who knows maybe even Christmas.  I can't wait until I can get around good enough that I don't have to depend on a nurse to use the bathroom.  Sometimes I sat on the pot for 30 minutes or more waiting on assistance.  My physical therapy starts tomorrow so I have my fingers crossed.  I can do this, I can do this...  

Chapter 14

Here Comes The Chocolate Bandit....

This particular nurse was one of my favorites!  She was a younger white woman who had a pleasant disposition and a very feminine aura.  We would always chit chat a little more than I did with most nurses in a very innocent yet flirty way.  "Hello Ricky! Did you get a chance to talk to your mom last night?  I saw you knocked out when I left," she asked.  "Yeah we talked, as a matter of fact, I was gonna call her right now," I responded.  Nurse Lisa hooked me up to the machine and checked my vital signs.  When she finished, I immediately called my mom.  "Hello ma, how are you doing tonight?" I greeted her.  "Hello, I am doing just fine and how are you feeling?" she asked.  "Oh I am feeling pretty good considering," I said.  My nurse was within ear shot so she could hear what I said.  "Tell mom that I said hi," Lisa said.  "Hey ma, the "chocolate bandit" said hello," I told her.  Yes the chocolate bandit and no it's not what you might be thinking so get your mind out of the gutter.  There was one night that I was on the phone with my mom and Lisa was around.  Well, a peppermint patty commercial came on tv and I mentioned that I was craving some chocolate to my mom.  That night, I had fell asleep and then, I woke up with just enough time to see a shadowy figure leave my room.  When I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, I noticed several pieces of chocolate on my table.  I found out the next night that Lisa had hooked me up; hence the name chocolate bandit.  "Ricky tell her that I said hello and how is she doing?" my mom replied.  "She said hi and she asked how are you?" I told Lisa.  "Thank you, I am doing fine," she shouted so my mom could hear.  "She is really nice! I like her," my mom said.  "Yeah she's nice but she's pretty sneaky too," I joked.  In the middle of my telephone conversation, my nurse left the room.  Like most nights, I continued talking to my mom until either the lab technician showed up or I couldn't hold my eyes open.  I woke up to....  "Hello Ricky!  Are you in any pain this morning?" Roy asked.  "Nope buddy.  Good morning and how are you?" I responded.  "I am doing great,"  he said.  "Cool stuff! So let me guess, you brought me my horse pill cocktail," I laughed.  "Yeah but on the bright side, breakfast is served too," he added.  The horse pill reference was an inside joke describing this huge potassium pill that I had to take daily.  Roy had to watch me swallow all of my pills and I would break that one in half.  The rough edges of it still kinda scraped my throat on the way down.  "Oh you are gonna love me today," Roy said.  "Oh no, what's the story?" I asked.  Roy put my pills and breakfast on the table and positioned it so all I had to do was sit up and I could eat.  "Well, you are scheduled for an ultrasound of your legs to check to see if there are any more blood clots.  That is gonna go down today," Roy said.  Good thing my breakfast was hot today because I needed a little feel good time. 

Chapter 13

Thank GOD For Miracles...

In the midst of the nurses shuffle, some stood out and some just blended in with the background.  One in particular was in the forefront because of her unique attitude.  She was an older black lady that was very petite in stature.  She wore eye glasses and had a permanent pissed off facial expression.  "Hello Mr. Kendall, my name is Angela and I am gonna be one of your nurses during the day this week," she informed me.  She had a stern look across her face.  "Why don't they empty the trash or clean up this floor before they left?" she asked.  Huh?  She was asking me as though I knew the answer or even cared for that matter.  "I have no idea," I said.  She proceeded to strap me up and insert a thermometer in my mouth for vitals.  "See I am not trying to get fired because of someone else's laziness," she stated.  "I couldn't tell you why," I explained.  She unhooked me from the machine, wrote something down, and then moved around the room like she was on roller skates.  "Next time tell them to take out the trash and clean up around here," she insisted.  I didn't say a word because I was shocked.  I was thinking... okay I will tell them just as soon as I get put on the payroll.  She left the room almost quicker than she had entered.  I had been awaiting the status of my discharge.  I wasn't ready to go because I still couldn't walk and I hadn't been on TB medication that long.  I saw my doctor creep up through the window in the door.  "Ricky I have your case manager looking into your living arrangement should I discharge you," doctor Stevens said.  "Alright.  Did you find anything out about my blood pressure?" I asked.  "Well, I am gonna send you downstairs for a CAT scan and I am gonna have a technician come here to give you another chest x-ray," he told me.  Man, I can't keep up: chest x-rays, MRI's, blood transfusions, broncoscopes, and now a CAT scan.  "Oh wow the hits keep coming eh doc?" I asked.  "Well, we think that you have a pulmonary embolism.  That is a blood clot in your lungs.  It would be really bad if it migrated towards your heart.  We can dissolve a blood clot by injecting you with blood thinner," he added.  What is going on? I take one step forward and then two steps back.  GOD is good!  If I would have been discharged last week, then I could have died due to a blood clot blocking circulation in my heart.  "Transport is gonna come up here in an hour or so to take you to your CAT scan and if there are no further questions, I will see you tomorrow," the doctor said.  I guess soon I will find out if I have a blood clot.  If so, I hope it doesn't get to my heart before it can be dissolved.

Chapter 12

Getting Better Or Am I....

After my diagnosis, I felt a lot better about my situation.  At least I found out that recovery was a great likelihood.  There was talk that I would be discharged soon.  What?  It seemed to me as though I wasn't ready.  I was told that I would be discharged and would have to stay with a relative or friend.  I would also be isolated and unable to leave that residence unless in emergency.  Furthermore, I or whomever I lived with would have to don a facial mask to protect them from the harmful TB bacteria.  Great!  A prisoner in my own home.  Oh yeah, and here's the kicker, a nurse would have to come by everyday to watch me take my medication.  There was a knock at my room door...  "Hello Ricky.  How are you doing today?" said doctor Stevens.  "Hello and good morning," I said.  "It looks like we will be discharging you pretty soon.  Do you have anywhere to go?" he asked.  Crap, I didn't want to put anyone out by disrupting their lives with my needy ass.  "Umm I guess I could stay with my mom; however, she is getting older so I don't really want to expose her to all of this," I stated.  The truth is, I did have two sisters and one brother that lived in the area but I didn't think that anybody would want to live life as though they were in isolation.  I was trying to down play my mom as an option in hopes the doctor would decide to let me stay until I fully recovered.  "I see.  And you came from overseas right so you don't have to place of your own correct?" the doctor asked.  "Nope so I don't really have anywhere to go," I explained.  "I am gonna have a nurse take your vitals.  Also, I am gonna check with the Health Department.  I will come by tomorrow and update your discharge status," doctor Stevens told me.  "Okay," I said.  Doctor Stevens left the room and, shortly after, my nurse entered the room.  "Hey there Rick!  I am gonna take your vitals and then I will be right back with your meds," nurse Roy said.  "Alright man and could you bring me some juice and ice?" I asked.  "Sure thing," he said.  He strapped me up, inserted a thermometer in my mouth, and turned on the machine.  He had a worried look upon his face.  "Ah that's not good.  Tell me Rick, do you feel fine?"  Roy asked.  "I feel pretty good; no worse than yesterday," I answered.  "Well your blood pressure is really low and you are running a fever.  Let me check it again to make sure," he said.  He started the machine back up and the results were the same.  "I have to go tell the doctor about this.  I will be right back," the nurse said.  I wonder what's wrong now?